4 Conscious Communication Strategies
Since I was young, writing, public speaking and thoughtful advice-giving have come very easily to me, so I grew up hearing (and believing) that I was a good communicator.
From working in my college Writing Center to writing for the school newspaper, minoring in journalism and having a freelance and copy editing business, I had words on lock. And even coaching as a profession requires a very measured style of communication and careful word selection.
But a funny thing happens when we think we have something “down”... we resist seeing our weaknesses, receiving feedback and improving.
In the last year I began to realize that though I am “good” with words, I have really struggled communicating more emotional things like expressing my needs, navigating my triggers, and setting boundaries. Historically, I avoided the topics altogether because I wanted to be a “good” person and not come off as selfish or rock the boat, which stole my power and resulted in feeling unseen and misunderstood in my relationships.
In unavoidable high-emotion situations, the emotion would take over and I ended up saying things I didn’t mean or having a hard time finding the words I wanted to use at all.
In short, when we avoid the hard conversations or communicating our truth, our needs and our boundaries, we abandon ourselves.
But if we aren’t careful, when strong emotions are involved, it is easy for the consciousness, carefulness and kindness in our communication to [unintentionally] fly out the window.
And as we come home to who we really are, come alive to our truth, and set boundaries to create deeper connection with people, communication becomes more important than ever. It is easy to feel isolated, misunderstood and even afraid to rock the boat when we are going through changes and we don’t know how to communicate them with the people that we love.
Luckily, learning communication skills can be surprisingly simple, and navigating difficult and emotional conversations gets easier with practice. All it takes is the intention to witness and change your patterns, and maybe a little practice in “low-risk” scenarios so that you can build your confidence.
So here are a few helpful strategies for navigating emotion-filled conversations, speaking your truth and your needs, and setting boundaries.
Take a beat. This expression has almost become a running joke with my clients because I say it so often, but slowing down is the best thing we can do for clear, thoughtful communication. Sometimes this looks like saying, “Let me get back to you,” when someone suggests a social activity or asks for a favor or commitment; sometimes it looks like letting a text message or email sit for a few hours instead of immediately hammering out an emotionally charged response; sometimes it looks like taking a deep breath and saying, “Give me a moment to collect my thoughts,” when you are in a face-to-face conversation with someone. The important thing is that you give yourself time to process the information, get clear on what is true for you, breathe through your emotion and respond in the most compassionate and loving way possible. If you don’t have the luxury of taking a timeout, at least take a deep breath and count to five, intentionally dropping into your heart instead of responding impulsively.
“The story I’m making up is…” The credit for this one goes to my North Star for personal growth, Brene Brown. Have you ever sent a text or email, not gotten a response right away, and then gone down a rabbithole of scenarios as to why that person didn’t get back to you? So often our brain scrambles to make sense of even the most innocuous comments or meaningless scenarios, and the stories that it makes up are very rarely true, they are just part of our survival mechanism. Instead of letting yourself get all flustered and frustrated, just be honest: “I know this sounds crazy and it probably isn’t your intent, but the story that I am making up is that I was rude to you last week and now you don’t want to talk with me anymore. Is that what is going on?” Not only do you clear the air and address your story head-on, but you provide an opportunity for the other person to be honest as well. Nine times out of 10, your story will be off-base and you will be relieved, but even in the instance that you are right, this phrase provides an opportunity for you to clear the air and work it out with the other person. Learn from it, grow from it, move on.
When you are triggered, own where you are. The truth is, when we are triggered and feel justified in our emotion, we often cast blame on the person who triggered us and express our emotion in an unhealthy way. Yes, it is ok to feel anger, but it isn’t ok to blame and project. Yes, it is ok to point out a mistake or injustice, but the goal is not to demean and belittle the offender. Owning your emotion involves acknowledging the emotional space that you are in. For example: “This is a very important topic for us to address, but I am really frustrated and upset right now so can we discuss it later?” In that instance, you aren’t blaming the other person for being the cause of your frustration, but you are owning it for yourself. If you are in a situation where you cannot leave the conversation but have anger or fear or another heavy emotion to process, practice moving through it by clenching your fists, muscles, anything you can clench, and then releasing. If you do that a few times, often the other person won’t even notice and you will be able to release some of the heightened emotion that is begging to be let out without projecting it on the other person.
Practice. When it comes to big conversations about things like boundaries, communicating the changes we are making in our lives, or finally speaking our truth about things that may have gone unnoticed or repressed for years, it can cause a lot of anxiety. You would be surprised how far a little practice can go. Normally we are having these big convos with people whom we love or with whom we are close, so we can usually anticipate the kind of reaction they will have or the questions they will ask. This information allows us to plan accordingly. Think ahead about your intention: how do you want to show up to the conversation? How do you want to feel and how do you want them to feel at the end of it? I will often repeat to myself “Grace like Audrey [Hepburn]” before going into the conversation to remind me to practice grace. Once you have your intention, practice what you want to say in front of the mirror, navigating potential emotions, questions, or challenges. Think about how you would want to be spoken to and remember to listen. Conversation is a two-way street, and if you want to feel seen and heard the other person needs to feel seen and heard as well.
Want to take this deeper and learn to kindly communicate your your needs and boundaries to your loved ones? Let’s have a chat to see if a Boundaries Intensive would be a good fit for you.